Phantom Ladies

 Real Lives - Phantom Ladies 

An episode of the Real Lives television documentary series shown on BBC One in the UK in July 1984. 

This documentary was another pivotal moment in my transgender journey. Because it was the first time that I saw other transvestites speaking about their lives. By 1984 I was a crossdressing veteran with 6 years of dressing under my dress belt. But apart from seeing female impersonators on television, such as Danny La Rue, Hinge And Bracket, Stanley Baxter and others of their ilk, I hadn't encountered any other transvestites. So this program left a lasting impression on me.

It's actually been quite difficult to find information about this documentary. It was never repeated on television and it doesn't seem to have been recorded and later digitalised. So i only saw it as it was broadcast. We didn't have a video recorder in my home back then, so this was my one and only opportunity to see it. And yet I remember every detail vividly. 

The documentary told the story of three transvestites. These were Rona, Anne and Rosemary. I will deal with each person in turn, in the order they appeared in the program. And I will use She/Her pronouns throughout.

Rona was the femme alter ego of Raymond. A retired civil servant who was married to Vera. Ronaldo described how she had always had a well developed feminine side and had worn Vera's clothes down the years, behind her wife's back. Then after retirement Raymond found he wanted to dress more, but there were fewer opportunities to do so. So she took the chance on Vera being as understanding as she thought she was and decided to tell her. The way Rona appeared for the first time in Vera's life was perhaps unusual. Whilst on holiday, while Vera was in the shower, Raymond put on one of Vera's satin slips and lay on the bed. "Oh you're wearing my slip" exclaimed Vera on walking into the bedroom. Raymond then proceeded to tell her all about Rona, which was a shock to Vera. But after thinking about it for a few days, she decided that she loved Raymond enough to deal with it, and that it really wasn’t a big problem in their lives. Soon Rona was a regular feature in their lives and they would go out in public together, shopping or going out for tea etc. Rona did not enter the marital bed. Raymond and Vera had an active and fulfilling sex life, but Rona was never a part of it. Vera said that having Rona in her life was like having a sister. She said she had the best of both worlds. Her husband Raymond of time and then her sister Rona. Raymond said that sometimes he and Vera would go to bed at night and he would say to Vera, "I think it might be nice if Rona visited tomorrow?" And Vera always enjoyed Rona coming to visit, so it was the perfect situation for them both. They were a very happy couple with a wonderful and fulfilling marriage that was made even better by the presence of Rona. Rona looked like you average, reasonably attractive and well dressed lady in her sixties. And when out and about with Vera, they looked like friends or sisters  enjoying a day out together.  I found it rather lovely. 

Anne was the femme alter ego of Ben, an ex Royal Navy officer. Now this was quite a sad story. Ben had crossdressed in secret for some years. His wife knew that her husband wanted to dress as a woman, but strongly disapproved of it, and forbade it. So Anne would crossdress away from home and she used to go out socially dressed en-femme. Of course it wasn't just Anne's wife who forbade crossdressing. The Royal Navy did too. So Anne's world fell apart when she was caught by the police changing from femme to drab in her car on the way back from a night out dressed. Normally it would have just been awkward and embarrassing, but when the police found out that it was a naval officer they had collared, they reported it to Anne's commanding officer. As soon as it happened Anne knew she would lose her job, her wife and her family. And ultimately so it proved. But not before the Navy tried to cure Ben of her insanity by sending her for treatment to eradicate the desire to dress, which was harrowing.  Anne had to dress and with each item of clothing she put on, she received a painful electric shock. This was the kind of barbarism that could be enacted upon trans people back in the 1970s.  Needless to say, it didn't work and Ben chose to resign from the Navy rather than be dishonorably discharged. So just because she liked to wear women's clothes from time to time, Anne had lost her marriage, her family and her job. It's no wonder that she briefly committed suicide. In the end she didn't. Instead she decided to live full time as Anne. She didn't want to transition or become a woman physically. She just wanted to be en-femme on a full-time basis. And so that's what she did. She became an antiques dealer, so self employed with no one to answer to. And she got on with her life. However there was much sadness in that life. She was divorced and estranged from her family. And she also wanted to find love again. Which was proving very difficult. Because although Anne was now dressed and living as her femme self 24/7, she was still a heterosexual man beneath the femme trappings and she was only attracted to cisgender women. And sadly not a lot of straight women are interested in a relationship with a full time crossdresser. It left Anne contemplating if she might have to compromise and reintroduce Ben back into her life and just dress part time as Anne. So there was this sadness surrounding her story.  It affected me, because it was the first time I really saw the negative side of something that until now had only brought me joy. Could I end up in a situation like Anne? And certain aspects of Anne's story have crossed over into my life. Anne was a very beautiful and stylish middle aged lady. In fact she everything I admired in a woman and everything I wanted to be as a transvestite. So I certainly identified with her as a person. I was also surprised that I found her attractive and desirable in a sexual way too, despite knowing that Anne was a man. I think this was the first obvious manifestation of my gynosexuality. Which basically means I am attracted to feminine people regardless of their actual sex. I see women, trans women, crossdressers, and femme or androgynous men as being desirable and I don't focus my sexuality on my preferred partner's genitalia.  So I was confused by this, but over the years I have come to understand my sexuality and be at ease with it. So that gives another dimension to why this documentary was important in my life story. 

Finally we have Rosemary.  Her male name isn't given. Rosemary was a physiology lecturer and she was the medical advisor to the transgender group The Beaumont Trust. She was in her sixties with a grown up family. Rosemary had been a part time crossdresser, dressing privately on her own. None of her family had known about her feminine desires. And then her wife passed away.  Rosemary sought comfort in her femme life, and eventually decided to spend much of her time en-femme, although she didn't go full-time like Anne. She had confided in her youngest daughter about her crossdressing and her need to do it. And her daughter was very supportive and encouraging and helped Rosemary to be able to spend a large proportion of her life dressed and fully supported by all of her family. We saw Rosemary fully dressed and in the company of her family. But one person was missing from the scene. Her youngest daughter. She fully supported her father's desire and need to dress and had been instrumental in helping Rosemary come out to her family and the world as a transvestite. But she had asked Rosemary if she didn't have to see her dressed en-femme as she only wanted her as Dad. So she was never present when the family got together with Rosemary the woman, but was perfectly happy and supportive of her father being a crossdresser.  Rosemary was perhaps a more traditional older lady. She looked and carried herself a little like one of the mature ladies that you might find in a Miss Marple story. A long skirt and an embroidered blouse worn as she pedalled her vintage bicycle around the village with produce from her allotment in the wicker basket on the front. 

And so we came to the conclusion of the program with one final scene. A bar in a basement which was accessed by a spiral staircase. And one by one Rona and Vera, Anne and then Rosemary descended the staircase and we saw them all chatting to each other drinks as the narrator finished the story.

This program is still so vivid in my memory nearly 41 years later. It certainly taught me a lot about the world that I was a part of. A world that I didn't really know or understand back then.

When this show was broadcast my parents were on holiday abroad and my sister was away at an athletics training camp, so I was home alone and able to dress and so I spent many days en-femme mulling over what I had just watched. I'm glad i watched it alone. It might have been an awkward watch for me with my family present. 

I never forgot this program. I have tried many times over the years to track down a copy of it  or find a digitalised version of it online. And it just doesn't exist. I'm not sure if even the BBC have a copy in their archives. This series wasn't repeated on BBC television again, mainly because of controversy surrounding the last episode of the series to be broadcast that focused on characters involved in both sides of the troubles in Northern Ireland. The fact that people on the republican side were given a sympathetic portrayal was seen as wrong by many viewers and the British Government.  So there was no way the series would ever have repeat showings. 

But I never forgot it. I remember it as if I watched it yesterday.  In searching for it, I have come across a partial newspaper cutting of a piece connected to the program which by Colleen Toomey  who was part of the production team on the Real Lives series. And I have also found the BBC Radio Times listing for the episode, with a supporting write up to promote it. It features photos of the subjects and each one looked exactly as they did in my memory. 

If anyone else remembers this television program, do feel free to drop me a comment. 

And here are the photos that I have found connected to this wonderful television program. 

This Week's Music Pt 6

 The musical selection for this week has been as follows. 

Ozzy Osborne - Blizzard Of Ozz, album,

Ozzy Osborne- Diary Of A Madman, album - The debut and sophomore albums from Ozzy, after his resurrection following his sacking from Black Sabbath two years earlier. Except the debut, shouldn't have been a solo album. Blizzard Of Ozz featuring Ozzy, bass player Bob Daisley, drummer Lee Kerslake and guitarist Randy Rhoads began as a band in their own right. They expected the new album to be an eponymous release by Blizzard Of Ozz featuring Ozzy Osborne. Except the manager Dave Arden and his sister, Sharon Osborne who was Ozzy's wife decided to relegate the musicians to being Ozzy's backing band and take the band's  name for the album title. Worse was to follow for Daisley and Kerslake,when Sharon Osborne, now the sole manager demanded a new album be written and recorded in just six weeks.  The band worked hard and did the job in the short period of time they had. And on it's completion, Sharon Osborne sacked Daisley and Kerslake, and brought in Rudy Sarzo and Tommy Aldridge as replacements, falsely crediting the new musicians for the work of the sacked musicians. 

The albums represent some of the finest work of Ozzy's career, with the strong songwriting of Daisley,Kerslake and Rhoads, and the incredible guitar playing of the latter.  Randy Rhoads was a genius on the guitar and his playing is wonderful on these albums. Sadly he died in a ridiculously tragic plane crash whilst on tour, just a few months after the release of the second album. 

Heart - Bad Animals, album - The Seattle hard rock band, fronted by sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson. In the 1970s this band produced some wonderful hard rock, inspired by Led Zeppelin. In the mid 1980s after a few years of declining fortunes they had a change of tack and became a glam inspired band A.O.R band, all big hair and power ballads. And they were more successful than ever. In the mid 90s they had a break and when they got back together they reverted back to their hard rock style, ditching the glam trappings and hairspray. This album is from the zenith of their commercial success in 1987 and features the wonderful power ballad 'Alone'.  I loved this album and played it death back in the late 80s. I must confess I had a total infatuation with the Wilson sisters and would dream of being like them. I was lucky enough to meet Nancy at a music fair on 1988. She was absolutely gorgeous and a really nice person. 

Siouxsie And The Banshees - Once Upon A Time-The singles 1977 to 1981, album  - A compilation featuring the singles from the Banshees  post punk period.  Some of the finest music made of this period of music. The Banshees would become more psychedelic and gothic during the next few years, but their earlier style is neatly showcased on this compilation. 

Fleetwood Mac - Tango In The Night, album-The legendary British band, which began as a blues rock act in the 1960s and evolved into an Anglo- American West coast soft rock ensemble.  This release from 1987 was one of their greatest triumphs, which as ever with this band, meant it was born from drama and chaos.   This band seemed to produce their best work during times when they were seemingly falling apart. Here we have drummer Mick Fleetwood partying wildly on cocaine, and vocalist Stevie Nicks being drunk and disinterested. Barely being present and leaving the band to piece together her contributions from fragments of recordings and demos. They even had to record fake versions of her backing vocals.  At least bass player John McVie was committed to the project and he went cold turkey and stopped drinking alcohol so he was sharp. Except he then found he couldn't play whilst totally sober. Nevermind it was the thought that counted. Thankfully keyboard and vocalist Christine McVie brought her  A-Game with some wonderful songs and performances.  And the guitarist and vocalist, Lindsey Buckingham was able to bring it all together by providing some great songs and performances of his own, and then as as the producer (ably assisted by Richard Dashult and Greg Droman) he managed to create magic from the madness and present the band's best work since the incredible Rumours album released a decade before, an album which was also created in a period of great chaos. Tango In The Night is up there with Rumours as the finest work by this iconic band. Sadly it was all too much for Buckingham who left the band soon after. He would return years later. But this was to be the last studio album recorded by the five members of the classic line-up.  And it is brilliant. 

Billy Idol - Idol Songs-11 Of The Best,  album  -A compilation album featuring the punk turned stadium hard rocker, Billy Idol's singles up to the release date in 1988. Billy always seemed like a wonderful cartoon character of a rockstar.  If he hadn't existed, someone would have made him up. I love him. This is a great collection of rock songs. Billy was on the One Show on BBC One this week promoting his latest album and live dates. He is now a grandfather and 69 years old. How the hell did that happen? I didn't expect him to survive much beyond this compilation some 37 years ago. I certainly didn't expect him to still be alive and looking and sounding great in 2025. Billy Idol, I salute you.

As A Woman

 As A Woman by Barry Kay 

Alternatively titled The Other Woman 

This book marked a pivotal moment in my life. A sweeping statement as I was only 11 year old when it was published in 1976.

Barry Kay was an Australian photographer who was based in London.  During 1974 and 1975 he returned to Australia to document the growing transgender scene that existed in the King's Cross area of Sydney. It showed transvestite and transsexuals in a series of black and white photos. Some of the photos were posed or staged, others were candid captures. It was a very gritty but wonderful portrayal of the life for these girls. 

Of course as an 11 year old gender confused kid growing up in a middle class family in the South West of England, I wasn't going to have access to a book like this. It shouldn't even have registered on my radar. Except it did. 

My Stepfather used to take a Sunday newspaper. His paper of choice was The Observer. A broadsheet  Sunday only newspaper that was centre left in it's political outlook. Most of the Sunday broadsheet papers had a magazine as part of the package, known as the colour supplement. Usually featuring art,culture and travel these magazines were always an interesting read. And the Observer had a renowned colour supplement. 

And so it was just an ordinary Sunday late in 1976 when I was thumbing through the colour supplement, that I discovered something that shook up my world.  I discovered that I wasn't the only male in the big wide world, who wanted to dress like a girl.  

This copy of the Observer supplement featured an article about a new photo documentary book. The book was called As A Woman. It has been titled The Other Woman in some markets. As I said previously it was a set of photos of the transgender scene in Sydney, Australia. The narrative written about the book mentioned the words transsexual and transvestite. And it explained the differences between them. I read the narrative and looked at the pictures. Most were quite gritty depictions of the trans girls.  Important to me, because they were living proof that I was not alone. Other boys felt like I did. Other boys liked girl's clothes and feminine things. Other boys wished they were girls. However I didn't identity with some of the photos because they were not how I envisioned myself as a girl, if I could become one. That was until I came across one particular image in the book.

Lenore Leans On A Couch

This image featured a beautiful transvestite called Lenore. Everything in this image was so beautiful and feminine. It was everything I dreamed of being.  I knew in that moment that I was a transvestite and I would make it my mission to fulfill my destiny and dress as the girl I wished I was.  And so began the slow but sure journey towards my aim of dressing as a girl. And ambition that I would fulfill some 14 months later, as I have written about in a previous post, The First Time.

I managed to keep hold of this copy of the Observer supplement for another 3 years, before it got lost in the move from Cornwall to Southampton that my family made in 1979. During that time I would often read this article and gaze at the photos.  I never forgot about these photos and their place in my personal trans history, and I am forever grateful to Barry Kay and the Observer for making me realise that I was not alone.

Below are a selection of images from this wonderful publication. 

This Week's Music Pt 5

 The musical listening from this week.

Reverend And The Makers - The State Of Things, album- Brilliantly observed lyrics on everyday life from 'The Reverend' aka John Mclure, on the Sheffield indie band's 1987 debut album. 

The Cramps - A Date With Elvis, album- Voodoo punk rockabilly from this legendary band. This album from 1986 sees husband and wife duo Lux Interior and Poison Ivy, with stalwart sticks man Nick Knox moving from the b-movie horror subject matter of their earlier albums and moving to more sexual subject matter with plenty of innuendos. 

The Normal - T.V.O.D / Warm Leatherette, 7" Single - A momentous release from 1978. The Normal was a pseudonym for Daniel Miller, who released this cult classic synth pop single as the first release on his own independent label, Mute Records. Mute would become one of the most successful and creative independent labels of all time with bands like Depeche Mode, Yahoo, Erasure and Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds all bringing much success. This single features the wonderful Warm Leatherette, a song that was inspired by J.G Ballard's novel Crash, which finds sexual eroticism in the mangled wreckage of a car crash. It was so good that the legendary Jamaican singer Grace Jones recorded a cover version and made it the title track of her international breakthrough album.

Portion Control - Step Forward, album - The 1984 album by the synth noise act, who supported Depeche Mode on the Some Great Reward tour, which is where I discovered them. Not massively successful but very influential on later industrial music acts such as Skinny Puppy and Nine Inch Nails. I really liked them so bought the album. I hadn't listened to it since the late 1980s. I still enjoyed it.

The Clash - The Clash, album- The eponymous 1977 debut album by the greatest punk band ever. They put politics and true rebellion into the genre. To quote singer songwriter and fan, Billy Bragg, "Without The Clash, punk would have just been a well placed safety pin, a sneer and a pair of bondage trousers " My political outlook was forever changed by this band. 

Depeche Mode - A Broken Frame, album- The 1982  sophomore album release from the legendary synthesiser band, which sees them moving on from the bubblegum synth pop of their debut album and the departure of their main songwriter Vince Clarke. Martin L Gore steps up as songwriter on an album that sees the band exploring new more challenging concepts, but still retains some of the pop charm of their debut. Certainly not their best album by a long chalk, but I like it and it boded well for a glorious future. 

Calvin Harris - Ready For The Weekend, album - The uber producer/deejay's second album released in 2009. A disco pop banger of a record that pointed the way to becoming probably the most successful deejay of all time on his subsequent releases. 

So that's this week's musical meanderings. I decided to add a little more detail to what I'm listening too, so it's not just a list of names and titles. I hope those reading the post find it interesting. 

The First Time

 It's January 1978.  Two days after my 13th birthday.  In the family home in Helston, Cornwall.  My little sister is a very talented junior athlete and is attending a trial for the county junior cross-country running team. My parents have taken her to the event, some 40 miles away in North Cornwall. I have chosen to stay home alone. Because I have something I'm going to do. I've been thinking about and planning it for weeks. Looking for an opportunity. And now the stars seem to be aligning. 

My family leave home at 8.30am. They will be out until about 3.00pm. Plenty of time. From the moment I awoke this morning, I have felt giddy with excitement and also nervous. It's going to be a big day. The best day. Please let it all go well. 

At 9.30am I walk up the stairs in our little 3 bedroom, semi detached house on the edge of town. I head for the bedroom. Not my bedroom. The small box room that I spend hours of my time in. Not this time. I head for the master bedroom next door. My parents bedroom. The place where I hope to finally realise my dreams and find my happiness. 

I've been in this room many times before. I know where everything lives. I know which drawers and part of the wardrobe belongs to my Dad. But most importantly I know which drawers and wardrobe space contain my Mum's beautiful clothes and underwear. I've spent months opening them. Admiring the wondrous contents. Touching them. Studying them. Dreaming about them. And now it is time to fulfill my deepest wishes.

 

I open the bottom drawer of the large pine chest of drawers. My hands are shaking. My heart is beating a military tattoo in my chest. I feel light headed. I feel aroused like never before. A new sensation as a 13 year old boy.

Inside I see the familiar sight of my Mum's underwear. All of it is foundation or shape wear, as I have learnt it is called from looking at the lingerie section of the John Moores home shopping catalogue that arrives twice a year. Once upon a time I would eagerly await it's arrival to look at the toy section. But for the last two years, the clothing sections have drawn my close attention. The women's clothing pages that is. My friends do the same. They look at the lingerie and underwear section, just as I do. But I look at so much more. I look at all of the women's clothes. And dream and hope and wish. And know I am here. My Mum's bottom drawer open in front of me as it has been so many times before.  But this time is different. 

This time I'm not just going to look and caress and feel the gorgeous underwear. I'm going to wear it. And I know exactly what I want to wear and how to wear it. I've spent years watching my Mum getting dressed. She has never been shy about being seen in her underwear by us family members. Of course this has changed as I have become older, but it's still etched in my mind.

A few months before, I discovered what I was, when I saw an article in the Sunday Observer, about men who dressed as women. It called them transvestites. I had looked it up in the dictionary. I knew that I was going to be a transvestite. It was my destiny.  And now I was ready. 

I carefully took a one piece, white Playtex corselette and gazed at it. Ran my hands over it. I even smelt it. It was beautiful. I felt a tingle down below. It was all so exciting.  I also took out a pair of tan tights. 

I quickly shed my boy clothes, and with shaking hands, pulled on the gorgeous corselette. I felt a thrill of exhilaration as the straps snapped over my shoulders. I dared not look in the full length mirror on the wardrobe yet. I pulled on the tights. The feeling on my legs was incredible. Like nothing I had ever felt. I went into my bedroom and opened my underwear drawer. I took out a few pairs of socks and placed them in the breast cups of the corselette, to create an impression of a womanly bust. Finally I returned to my parents bedroom and opened up the wardrobe. On a shelf at the top was something wonderful. My Mum's wigs.

My Mum had two wigs she sometimes wore on nights out. She had an auburn and a blonde one. In a similar style to her own hair, a typical bouffant wavy perm that was made popular by Elizabeth Taylor. My Mum's hair was brown, but she liked to have a change now and then. My Mum was still quite glamorous in the late 1970s. Not many boys trying on Mummy's clothes for the first time are lucky enough to have a choice of gorgeous womanly hairstyles. I was in heaven. I chose to be a redhead. My Mum had a friend who was a famous actress and she had similar hair and I had always admired her look. I put the wig on and then walked over to the dressing table.  

As I caught my first glimpse of myself in the mirror I let out an audible gasp. I looked like a woman.  I needed to adjust the wig a little but once done,  I saw a pretty woman staring back at me from the mirror. Surely it wasn't me? I smiled. The girl in the mirror smiled back.  Suddenly I felt a wave of emotion flood over me, and I felt tearful and shaky. There was just one thing left to do.

With trembling hands I opened a drawer in the dressing table. Here my Mum kept her make up. I selected a deep red lipstick by Max Factor. I had seen my Mum applying her make-up so many times. I knew exactly what to do. I managed to still my shaking hands and applied the lipstick perfectly. I was clearly born to do this. Just one thing left to do.

I approached the full length mirror slowly and nervously.  Then I closed my eyes.  I moved carefully in front of the mirror and then counted out loud to three. On three I opened my eyes. 

I was almost overwhelmed by the emotions that washed over me as I gazed at myself in the mirror. A young woman was stood before me, staring back at me. It just felt so good. Like nothing I had ever felt before. I felt a sense of excitement, but also completeness. This was me as i had always dreamed of being. The girl that had lived inside of me since I was little had suddenly appeared as a beautiful woman.  I was quite good looking in my youth and I looked very pretty as a young red headed woman. I was complete.

I spent an hour dressed, just enjoying the thrill and the sensation and the sight of myself as a pretty young woman.  I spent some time looking through my Mum's wardrobe.  But I decided to leave trying them on for another time. Hopefully there would be another time. I hoped my sister did well enough in her running trials, to get selected, which would mean more chances to dress.

I glanced at the clock. Nearly 1.00pm. Time to get undressed and carefully put everything back as it had been.  I had taken my Mum's underwear out of the drawer on many occasions before, so I was well practiced at putting them back just as they had been. I definitely was a natural born transvestite.  I was back into my boy clothes, lipstick removed and Mum's clothes and wig safely stored away by 1.30pm.

I knew that I had just had a life changing experience and that I was going to be doing this forever.  Just after 3.00pm my family returned home. Good news. My sister had made the county cross-country squad. There would be more Saturdays like today. 

I was so happy and also a little overwhelmed by my first experience of crossdressing. I had never expected to feel so happy and so complete.

I was on my way as a girl.  And ready to spend a lifetime as a transvestite. 

A Mixed May

 Well May is nearly out and with it, Spring. On Sunday we will welcome June and the start of Summer. 

But let's reflect on May 2025.

It was a very up and down month for me. Definitely highs and lows. The month didn't start well with my wife's illness making things difficult. Her Multiple Sclerosis continues to slowly worsen, and aided by other co-morbidities, It's made life very tough for her and as her carer, it's made things very tough for me too. It's a very stressful situation and has been for the last few years. It certainly has a huge impact on my ability to find time to crossdress, which creates a catch 22 situation,  because the dressing helps me to de-stress and find some release. My wife's condition did threaten to scupper my plans to visit my friend Nikki Kent at her holiday accommodation and as a result, I had to prepare for a Plan B scenario, where we met briefly in drab, just in case our original plans were unable to be realised. Thankfully my wife's condition settled a bit, and Plan A stayed on track.

On Thursday 8th of May, I was able to dress and drive over to St Just, to spend a few wonderful hours with Nikki Kent. I have already written about it on the blog,  so I won't repeat myself,  but I will say that I had a wonderful day, meeting an old friend,  and it did me the power of good that everything went to plan. It was a real Red Letter Day for me.

I was still on a high on the day after meeting Nikki,  but came down to earth with a bump, when I had a bad migraine that affected me from Friday through to Tuesday. Migraines take a lot out of me, and it really took a week to get my strength back. 

I was rejuvenated by the excitement and fabulously camp spectacle of the Eurovision Song Contest. I know it has it's knockers,  but I love how vibrant and camp it is. It's so much fun and provides a crossover of mainstream and queer culture that is fun but also important at a time when the queer community is facing a little pushback against it, especially the trans contingent. 

And then the television was full of the bittersweet (for me) gardening extravaganza that is the RHS Chelsea Flower Show. It's bittersweet for me, because I always used to attend it, as a member of the RHS. I haven't been able to attend since 2013, due to my caring duties. So I love seeing the gardens and floral displays on the television coverage,  but miss being able to attend  in person. It looks like it was a very good show this year.

Of course I love gardening and I did manage to do some work in the garden, which I enjoyed and the garden is looking nice this year.

I managed to squeeze in a nice dressing session towards the end of the month, and wore a dress and cardigan ensemble that I had recently purchased from Vinted. I am very pleased with it, and the resulting photos. These photos were taken to mark my 16th anniversary of being active in the transgender world, with my first interactions coming on the UK Angels forum back in 2009 on May 24th. So I consider that day to be my Girl Birthday.  

And so we come to the back end of the month,  and I had hoped to get another chance to dress, but unfortunately another migraine has put paid to that, and I'm seeing out the month feeling rather unwell.  Also my wife's condition is deteriorating again. Hopefully we will both improve for next month. 

I have a couple of dressing sessions planned for June.  I am also hoping that I can visit my friend, Veronica,  but it's all a but up in the air at the moment with my wife's condition. So fingers crossed. 

This Week's Music Pt 4

 This week has been a busy one, so not much time to sit and listen to music, but I did sneak in a few YouTube views of music videos, and saw the first episode of Later With Jools Holland. So this week's music is 

Sona Jobarteh - Gambia, YouTube 

Sharon Shannon & Steve Earle - Galway Girl 

Van Morrison - Higher Than The World

The three selections above were suggested for me by my friend Nikki and I thoroughly enjoyed them, especially Sona Jobarteh.

The Cramps - Live on The Tube 1986, Tyne Tees Television, YouTube.  In 1986 The Cramps played for 20 minutes on UK music show, The Tube, but only 10 minutes were broadcast.  YouTube now has the full performance to view.

The Mary Wallopers - Blarney Stone, YouTube

The Cramps - A Date With Elvis, album 

Later With Jools Holland, BBC2 music show featuring live performances by Skunk Anansie, CMAT, Cynthia Erivo, Heartworms and Sam Amidon

Sixteen Years

Sixteen years ago, on May 24th 2009, I entered the online world as my femme persona. I did this by creating an account on the UK Angels forum and then making a post in the Introduce Yourself section. It was the first time that I reached out and engaged with the transgender community. I got a positive response and I am still very much a part of the trans community today. The UK Angels is no longer in existence, but the UK Angels as an organisation is. I soon found myself on Flickr and also getting out and about in the trans world and the wider world. It's a massive part of my life and I cherish my femme existence so much.

 

So today I celebrate my Trans Birthday. Sweet sixteen, although my actual 16th birthday was decades ago.

 

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my femme life over the years.

 

Hopefully there will be many more years to enjoy en femme.

This Week's Music Pt 3

 Not much music on the hi-fi this week, due to being busy and also focusing on the Eurovision Song Contest, which I love.

China Crisis - The Collection, album 

Guns 'N' Roses - Appetite For Destruction, album

Eurovision Song Contest - First Semi Final, BBC tv

Eurovision Song Contest  - Second Semi Final BBC TV

Eurovision Song Contest - Final BBC TV

This Week's Music Pt2

 Alison Goldfrapp - The Love Invention, album

Ultravox - Reap The Wild Wind, 12'' single 

Vitamin Z - Every Time That I See You, 12'' single

Echo And The Bunnymen - Heaven Up Here, album 

Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumours, 12'' single 

Blossoms - Gary, album

Van Halen - Van Halen II, album

Sisters Of Mercy - Floodland, album

The Normal - T.V.O.D/Warm Leatherette, 7" single 

An eclectic mix again this week, some chosen by myself and some by my wife. 

When Deeanna Met Nikki (and Lily too)

 I have been friends with Nikki Kent for 16 years online. When I first created an Internet presence as Deeanna (or Davina, as I called myself back then) I joined the UK Angels forum. This was back in May 2009. Nikki made a few comments on posts i made on that site. And when I started my Flickr account, Nikki was the first person I added as a friend. After a couple of years we both drifted away from Angels, but stayed friends on Flickr and we have made many comments on each other's photos and swapped messages down the years. But we never met. Nikki lives in Kent  and I lived in Hampshire  before moving to Cornwall in 2016. 

  Well I'm very pleased to say that yesterday we finally managed to meet  for a few hours. Nikki is staying in a holiday cottage here in Cornwall, about 25 miles from my home. So I arranged to drive over to see her there. 

It has been a few years since I have been out in public as Deeanna, but I decided to drive there en femme, so I had to leave the house dressed. Thankfully I didn't have any problems getting out dressed. The drive went well through some beautiful countryside out on the Penwith peninsula. It was quite amusing because I was following a mini bus taking some school children out on an excursion, and I had the girls on the bus waving to me out of the back window.  Whether or not they had realised I was trans, I don't know, but they seemed friendly enough. 

Once i arrived with Nikki and settled in, we had a good old natter, discussing a variety of topics. We got on very well, and despite never meeting before we just chatted like old friends. Nikki was exactly the same in real life as she comes across online. I was only able to stay for 5 hours and I really didn't want to leave, when the time came to go home, because I was having such a nice time and enjoying her company. Nikki was kind enough to make us a lovely ham salad for lunch, and then we took some photos to capture the moment for posterity. 

I chose to change back into drab for the journey home,so both myself and Nikki changed back to en bloke, and walked down the drive to my car, and said our farewells and I had an uneventful drive home.

It was a really lovely day spent with a lovely friend and as such, it was a red letter day for me. Nikki has some connections to Cornwall which will  bring her back down regularly, so hopefully we can meet again. 

Oh, and I  got to meet Lily the teddy bear, who always travels with Nikki. 

 

   

This Week's Music

 A list of the music I have been listening to this week, for anyone who might be interested. 

The Cure - Head On The Door, album

Deacon Blue - Our Town, album

O.M.D - The Peel Sessions, album 

D.A.F - Für Immer, album

Depeche Mode - Speak And Spell, album

Human League - A Very British Synthesiser Group, album

Motörhead - The Lost Tapes Vol 6 (Live in Berlin 1992), album

Fontaines D.C - Romance, album

The Damned - Phantasmagoria, album 

Joy As An Act Of Resistance

 Well it's now been two weeks since the appalling ruling on gender, by the UK Supreme Court. I have spent a lot of time worrying about it. It's definitely a concerted move by the Government, the Judiciary and the anti trans movement, which are being backed by the extreme right, to make being trans or non binary very difficult.  It's intended to drive us out of general society and into our safe spaces, out of sight and out of mind. To embolden transphobes to abuse us by creating an atmosphere of intolerance and hatred of us. So that we are afraid to come out of our homes, except to go to places where we can exist in private. 

We must not allow this to happen. We must not hide away, no matter how that might seem appealing in the face of an attack upon us.

There might come a time in the future when we have to literally fight for our rights to survive. But we are not there yet, and I hope that it doesn't come to that.

If we have the courage to make ourselves visible in society, so we don't disappear, and we engage with society in a measured, approachable, friendly way and show that we really aren't a threat to anyone, then we can turn the tide of support back in our favour. 

Most people don't really care about us, one way or the other. Society has become very much about getting on with one's own life and so no one really pays much attention to anyone else. 

But what they do notice is the online hate campaigns and scaremongering and accusations levelled against the trans community by transphobic people and institutions. They may feel some sympathy for us. 

But equally they see the extreme reactions of militant trans activists who make death threats, commit acts of violence and behave very aggressively. And they either lose sympathy or empathy with us, or they just give up caring at all either way.

As I said the time to be aggressive isn't now. We could lose so much goodwill and support and there is still a lot of goodwill  support and empathy for us in society, despite the way it seems that everyone is against us at the moment. 

I think it's important to be keep getting out there in public. Being seen going about our business and living our lives despite the restrictions being placed upon us.

Be polite  friendly and engaging. Leave anyone who encounters us with a positive impression of who we are.

Try to live our best lives, despite the difficulties placed upon us. Treat the barriers they erect against as hurdles not walls.  Show our joy at being who we are and with the lives we lead.

JOY AS AN ACT OF RESISTANCE 

The Other Side Of Life

 So why is the title for my blog, The Other Side Of Life? Well as a Tgirl, I live a double life. My drab everyday existence as a bloke, and my  true self as a queer Tgirl. This blog is all about things from the perspective of my femme self, Deeanna. 

The title comes from a song by the art rock band Japan, which closed their 1978 album, Quiet Life. Japan were a big part of my life as a trans teenager and this song was a favourite of mine.

I think the title fits perfectly for a blog from the other side of my life.

Hello

 Hello, 

I'm Deeanna Williams, a queer Tgirl living in Cornwall in the West of England.  This is a place to write about things in my life from a transgender point of view. I hope a few people will follow me and enjoy what I write.