October and the trees are stripped bare,
Of all they wear,
Why do I care.
October and kingdoms rise,
And kingdoms fall,
And you go on,
And on.*
This month's review is going to be a difficult one to write. It's been a horrible month and it's ended with some awful news. In my last post, I mentioned my Wife being ill. This has been ongoing since then. Sadly, in the last few days, we have an answer to what is wrong. On top of her multiple sclerosis along with other co-morbidities, she has now been diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's hereditary and several members of her immediate family have suffered and some passed away with this horrible disease. We don't yet know at what stage the disease is at, or have a prognosis. So we don't know if this is something she can overcome, or the beginning of the end. If it's at Stage 1 or early Stage 2 and not spread too far, then there is a chance that surgical intervention could remove the cancer, without the harsh effects of chemotherapy or radiotherapy, or at least minimal treatments. But if it's Stage 3 or 4 and she needs a lot of those treatments, it's unlikely she would be able to cope with them, after being so badly weakened by her other health conditions. If it's in it's later stages, then the focus will probably be on palliative care, rather than actually fighting the cancer. I'm feeling pretty numb at the moment. It's difficult news to take in. She is suffering from severe iron anaemia, as a result of internal bleeding in her bowel, so her first treatment was a transfusion of iron, to boost her haemoglobin levels. Then she needs a CT scan to see if the cancer has spread beyond it's original site, or if it's plumbed itself into the vascular or lymphatic networks. That will tell us the stage at which the disease is. And then it will be up to my Wife to decide whether to opt for treatment or palliative care. For now we are trying to be optimistic.
Despite all of the difficulties in my life, I'm going to try and focus on the positives on this blog, even if they are few and far between, so that it doesn't become a misery fest. I am so not a misery loves company kind of person.
As a result of my Wife's health problems, I'm afraid time for crossdressing has been non existent in the last few months. But I will eventually figure out a way to get back to doing what I love most, because it's so important to me, and it brings me so much solace and satisfaction. And that, in turn makes me stronger and more resilient. So despite next month looking ridiculously busy, I'm going to try and find a little 'Deeanna Time'. Hopefully in November.
So that's the difficult part of this post written and out of the way. What else has been happening in my life?
Well I've departed from Facebook again. I'm afraid having a Meta account created for me, without my consent, was the final straw. I could see it's potential for outing me across different accounts and personas, and if anyone is going to out my crossdressing to all and sundry, it's going to be me, not Mark Zuckerberg. It's sad in some ways, because I'm going to lose contact with some wonderful people like my friend Roz White,and the 'Twa Karens', Karen Cobham and Karen Barrie, who I know from the Beaumont Society. But in general I'm not sad to be away from the anxiety inducing noise of Facebook.
My only social media presence at the moment is on Flickr and on this blog. And of course, following the blogs of others. It's quite a gentle and old school social media experience. It feels safe and comforting. I sometimes wish we could go back to the old analogue days before the digital revolution. Life seemed simpler then. But could I have thrived as a queer Tgirl back then? I like to think that I would have done so eventually. I was certainly moving in that direction before the arrival of T'Internet and it's ability to seek out new horizons and connections. But I definitely thrived as Deeanna in the digital era. And I intend to keep on thriving for some time to come.
With everything that's been going on in my life at the moment, my ADHD has been really bad. My ability to concentrate is badly affected and it's caused a few issues, the biggest of which was blowing up the microwave by turning it on with nothing in it. Meanwhile the bowl of vegetables which should have been microwaved, had been placed in the fridge instead.
And to compound the domestic appliance issues, the washer/drier machine decided to pack up and flooded the kitchen floor, on a day when it was badly needed. I had to manage for a week without one,which isn't easy when things have a tendency to get a little messy. Thankfully we have now got a nice new one. Although it's been an expensive month on the domestic appliance front.
Health wise, I'm generally ok, although I have had issues with an ingrowing toenail and also a swelling on my right lower eyelid. It seems that I may have a condition called Blepharitis which can cause eye problems. Or it could be a calm chalazion which may take a few weeks to dissipate. I have an eye test with Boots Opticians next week, so hopefully they might be able to give me an answer. I also need to try and get back to proper exercise again, because I've lost my momentum, but it's difficult at the moment.
Although finding time to dress is very difficult at the moment, I'm still planning different looks and buying clothes. I have got a lovely 1970s inspired dress on order from Snag, which I'm very excited about. Hopefully I will get an opportunity to wear it in the not too distant future.
💋💋💋
*Lyrics from 'October' by U2
