Earlier this week, I had a massive problem with my blog. Most of the images across multiple posts became low resolution to the point of looking pixelated. I was heartbroken and incredibly upset and angry. Upset enough for it to cause me to have a massive neurodiverse melt down. Tantrums, panic attacks,stimming, and tics were all there along with more than a few tears. It was the whole works. Possibly worse than I had ever experienced before. But why?
It's just a blog. Yes it was something to be upset and a little angry about. It was a pain in the backside trying to sort it out. But it wasn't the end of the world. Most things like this can be sorted out eventually. Get a grip. Pull yourself together.
I have friends who are going through things much harder than some pixelated images on a web page. Illness, bereavements and such. Proper hardship.This really was a storm in a teacup.
Now being neurodiverse with autism as one of neuropspices, does mean that in these situations, it is difficult to get a grip, or pull myself together. I'm not fully in control of myself in these circumstances. So something that is a pain in the proverbial, which should only trigger some frustration and annoyance, can sometimes produce an emotional overreaction. But this was on a different scale.
For a couple of days, I was in freefall. I was just about able to fulfill my caring duties for my Wife, but everything else seemed to be unravelling. I was making knee jerk decisions to try and sort out the problem. I was obsessed with sorting out the problem and each setback triggered a neurodiverse response.
Eventually I stopped spinning and managed to get calmed down enough to think more clearly. I made a decision to step back from social media for a week or two. And I placed the blog out of the public eye. And then I experimented with different ways of resizing and uploading the images to a test post that only I was going to see. And this more analytical and measured approach paid off, and I found a way forwards. Yes it was a pain. Yes it was tiring and tedious. But I was calmer and able to put the actual malfunction into a more normal perspective.
The blog is slowly and surely being fixed. I found a solution. Everything is OK. I have fixed all of this years content, and I'm slowly working through the older posts.
So now I'm in a calmer frame of mind, and the neurospices have slowly ebbed away, I have been in a position to try and make sense of my massive overreaction to a mere bump in the road.
It's been a difficult year, especially in recent weeks. My Wife has been unwell and is now having to deal with her second cancer scare within a month. The hot weather is making her poorly. As a result looking after her has been tiring. Much tougher than usual. So I am less resilient than normal. A little more vulnerable. But even so, having a complete mental breakdown over a blog?
And then hit it me. The realisation of what this really was? Why I was behaving like this. Yes it was autism. Yes it was being worried. Being tired. Being stressed. But the straw that almost (but not quite) broke the camel's back, was a devil in disguise. A devil I have been visited by on many an occasion throughout my life.
Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria. Not being able to be the femme person I am. And it was triggered by the issues with my blog, because that is a major part of my femme persona. My feminine portrayal of myself to the world. At a time when finding time to put on the wig and make up and pull on a frock is limited, being able to be my true self on my blog, or my Flickr page,or on social media, is my way of existing as Deeanna. So a sudden perceived attack on my feminine existence triggered an unrecognised but very strong sense of dysphoria. And the dysphoria triggered the neurodiverse melt down.
So now I know that this is what happened, I can recognise the signs in the future. And take steps to protect myself. And to try not to ignore my femme needs, just because things are busy, or stressful or difficult.
Being able to express my femininity is one of the most calming and soothing ways of suppressing my autism and ADHD. I'm rarely agitated or manic or stressed when I'm dressed as Deeanna. In fact I'm never affected by my neurodiversity when I'm dressed as Deeanna apart from the dyslexia and dyspraxia.
Life is full of bumps in the road. It's also full of major hazards like potholes and the occasional IED. I need to recognise the difference between things which don't really matter too much. Recognise what are the bumps, and try and stay calm for the small stuff and find a way to cope with the big scary stuff. And find ways to alleviate and banish the dysphoria devil.
Dee
💋💋💋
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